A Holiday Tradition Goes Singular

In a surprise move today, the Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium announced that they will depart from their 20-year tradition of “Zoolights” and try a radical new concept: ZooLight.

The idea is to place one single enormous bulb over the Zoo that will serve both as a place for holiday merriment and as a navigational beacon for ships rounding Point Defiance.

“After discussions with the Ports of Tacoma and Olympia, who will help us construct the beacon, we felt this was a cost effective choice for us,” a PDZA spokesperson said. “A holiday-themed beacon will continue to attract visitors because the total wattage will actually increase with our new bulb.”

But isn’t the magic of the event having so many bulbs, cleverly arranged?

“No, people are here to see a lot of watts.”

Will the new light twinkle at least?

“In the same way that lighthouses twinkle, yes.”

Ah.

An inside source at the Zoo has let us know that the rebranding of Zoolights resulted in part from increased competition in the region. “Local residents who go all out decorating their houses have started to directly challenge Zoolights as the premiere holiday light destination,” he said. “Rather than try to keep battling the suburban family with an inflatable snow globe on their lawn, the Zoo is going to permanently one-up them.”

The spokesperson denied competition was part of the rational for the change, but her arguments were along similar lines: “Our surveys show that we’re missing the market for ‘gawkers’—those who find attractions worthwhile only if they are seeing the largest lava lamp or the biggest pencil or what-have-you. We’re trying to grab that market with The Largest Christmas Tree Bulb in the World, without losing our current demographic.”

As part of that outreach, the Zoo has tailored next year’s marketing to suggest … a certain alcoholic beverage they feel will appeal to the “gawker” crowd. “We’re not saying that Bud Light will be a sponsor of Zoo Light, but we felt our new logo would help make it clear to them that we’d be interested in a partnership.”

It sounds like you’ve managed to put ZooLights through enough committees and marketing reports and demographic studies that you’ve taken all the joy out of a great event.

“Nonsense. Zoo Light will be as popular with Tacoma as Zoolights has been. It will have to be, because we’re selling all our Christmas lights and contractually won’t be able to turn the new bulb off for another 20 years.”

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true … Trust us.