February 27, 2008 · Derek

ASK SASSY: Bridal Horror

Dear Sassy,

My best girlfriend in the world is getting married this summer. She’s normally the sweetest person but lately she’s become a total drama queen! As her maid of honor I’m supposed to be supportive of everything, but she picked out these dresses that look like something Bjork would wear. I can’t stand up in front of people in a dress that looks like a peacock and a palm tree got in a fight. Help!

Not-So-Merry Maid of Honor

Dear Maid Marryin’,

I feel your pain so very acutely. Sassy has more Bridesmaid dresses in her closet than she does skeletons. Sassy has worn sequins, dark forest green netting, oversized satin collars, and not to be forgotten: the shapeless mauve number that made Sassy look like she was with child.

To further add to the humiliation of wearing these crazy creations in front of a church of hundreds, one must be subjected to the honor of being professionally photographed hour after hour in various states of inebriated decay as the night wears on. My friends’ wedding albums are filled with various incriminating snapshots such as:

Sassy dirty dancing with the father of the bride in green sequins with a drop waist…
Sassy in the mauve wanna-be maternity gown puking in the bathroom at the Temple Theater….
Sassy under the cake table in a red taffeta strapless dress sucking helium out of the balloons with her partner in crime, the ringbearer…

Ah memories. As I said before, I know what you are going through. I feel your pain.

As I see it, since you have already agreed to the “Honor” of Bridesmaidhood, you have two choices-

Suck it up. Be strong. Wear that fugly dress with as much pride and dignity as you can muster and be thankful you have 2-4 other poor saps up there with you in identical crimes of fashion.
Break your leg.

Weddings are a Brideocracy. Brides are insane creatures, there is no pussyfooting around that simple fact. Dear, lovely, wonderful girlfriends turn into psycho cows from hell, then, magically return to normalcy after the honeymoon is over… hopefully. All you can do is support her through the Brideocracy madness and pray to god that the demon bride inhabiting her will flee her body at some point.

If your misery desires company, hundreds of your tragically dressed bretheran can be found here.

Love,

Sassy

P.S. Sassy’s best girlfriends read this column. Ehhem. So she would like to make sure that everyone knows that she’s not talking about THEIR weddings. Certainly not.

Recommended Listening: Wishin & Hopin by Ani DiFranco

Got a question for Sassy? Send it to asksassy@exit133.com

21 comments

Kristin February 27, 2008

It’s not about you. It’s about the bride and her beau. It’s their night. Indulge them for a moment. It’s only a fleeting moment. :)

Finally, I imagine you would not be defined by such a fleeting moment. And if you are defined in that moment, let it be in the stance of selflessness. :)
Karin February 28, 2008

As a current bride with a summer wedding fast approaching I can tell you that the last thing I am worried about is how my girls feel about their dresses. It is my day and they need to wear what I lovingly picked out. If you hate it so much you can have a dress burning ceremony while she is on the honeymoon.
Robin February 28, 2008

Sassy is right (again). It’s a dog eat dog world out there when it comes to brides. Suck it up, buttercup!
OC Housewife February 28, 2008

Well said Miss Sassy Pants. Perhaps Maid could take the focus off her attire by doing something great with her hair and make-up on the big day.
Melanie February 28, 2008

Sassy…you hit the nail on the head. Bridesmaid dresses are what they are. Be honest with yourself even if the bride won’t. Your opinions will only piss off the bride; your butt does look big with a 5 foot wide bow across it; and no, you won’t be able to wear it again (unless you are like half of Tacoma and pull that sucker out of the closet-where it belongs-to go to Zoobilee in July)
Being a bridesmaid makes up for the lack of hazing that you may not have been able to experience at any other time in your life. Your friend will be normal again, after the wedding. Have a good attitude about it. Karma comes around.
heather February 28, 2008

Just go with it. There are a thousand other things the Bride might (will) pull. It’s a dress. It’s her day. Suck it up, we’ve all done it. Pretty soon she’ll be complaining she should have eloped anyway.
Steven February 28, 2008

My daughter is only 4 years old, and she has already been brainwashed by Disney. One of her favorite games to play is marrying the Prince. It is no wonder brides go crazy. It really is a girlhood dream trying to become true.

How do you reason with that?

Steven
hotttie mcpottie February 28, 2008

I too am getting married this summer but I think this whole Brides “it’s my day” thing is CRAZY.

Why is it okay for a woman to turn into a spoiled Bitc! and expect her friends to do what ever she wants just because she is getting married?

True, I have been watching the bridal shows on TV and am just disgusted by what people say is okay because “it’s her day”.

Not So Merry Maid – I say, if it is really that bad, tell your friend the truth, tell her nicely – but tell her the truth. There are usually many different syles of dresses in the same fabric line – maybe you can find a matching dress that actually suits your taste…

Okay – I’m off my box now -thanks for letting me vent….
Christy February 28, 2008

Don’t worry little bridesmaid, you’ll get married some day and have your revenge when you pick out her bridesmaid dress. (and hair, make-up, and shoes if you wish. tee-hee)
Squid February 28, 2008

I’m trying to imagine some groom in this situation with his groomsmen and ushers, but for once my imagination fails me.

Sample conversation:

Best Man: Dude, a tux? c’mon!
Groom: Hey cut a guy a break.
BM: Can I at least wear my black Chucks?
G-man: Dude, of course.
BM: Cool. Another round, on me.
Erik S February 28, 2008

Ha! Well spoken, Squid. All of this discussion is making me feel incredibly fortunate to be a groomsman rather than a bridesmaid and to have really cool friends. Beach wedding? Okay. Mexican wedding shirt? What’s that? Linen, huh? Okay. How bad can it be? Wait – did you see that pass? Beautiful! Hold on – wait for the replay.

Sassy – Temple Theater…was there a problem with, ah, the witnesses’ signatures at this wedding? Did anyone’s father do some serious stair diving?
Mofo from the Hood February 28, 2008

Bridal Horror?

That’s what happens after a virgin groom takes his new bride to their honeymoon suite, undresses her, and then discovers that she’s a third gender.
penelope February 29, 2008

Sorry to say the dress thing is kind of a sacrifice that’s important, but you CAN make sure that all the girls are fabulously beautiful on that day by scheduling a bridal party at Embellish. They do amazing work. Go to their website www.embellishtacoma.com and see the bridal videos. They also do a great men’s package too, that no one really takes advantage of. Nothing worse than having one of the grooms men or worse, the groom getting a “jacked up” cut at the last minute. Check it out. Maybe you can do that for the bride for a wedding gift.
Andrew February 29, 2008

Hottie:

You sound like my kind of woman.
Robin March 1, 2008

Ms. Hottie McPottie,

You are a perfect darling. When humans are ready to be cloned, I think you should be first in line.
OC Housewife March 1, 2008

Sassy nails it but I have to give props to hottie (not just because I like her name) about discussing the topic in a positive manner. The step further, but no help to you because this is the classic armchair quarterback response, would be to offer to help with the selection in the brides maid dresses up front. That way you can try to steer the selection to something more manageable. Of course, if you plan to party like Sassy, does it really matter what you wear?
southsounder March 1, 2008

Sassy, You forgot maid marryin’ obvious third option …. #3 break up perspective wedding. hey nobody ever said looking good all the time was easy. If you’d like i have several ideas on how to stop the wedding dead in its tracks and come out looking like the brides savior
Christine March 2, 2008

This self-centered “its MY day” baloney is pathetic and shows just what kind of a person the bride really is. The groom should run.

Dresses? Easy. Pick a classic sheath or another classic cocktail dress out of the Nordstrom’s, or any good clothing provider’s, website. They are at comparable or less price than the monstrosities usually forced on bride’s maids and your bride’s maids will probably love you forever.

More happy wedding tips from someone who’s been there:
1. Choose the cake style you like out of a magazine and then go to the Safeway on Proctor. They are very good at making beautiful and delicious cakes for a very resonable price.
2. I regret not buying my flowers from Safeway as well, they have a custom florist and it would have cost a hell of a lot less than I paid. My flowers were beautiful, but got a total of 15 minutes in view.
3. HOST THAT BAR! Show your friends and family that you really are happy to have them share your day.

That’s enough wedding advice from me.
Jenny March 2, 2008

Having officially retired from bridesmaid-dome, I can now officially confess.

I’m a BAD bridesmaid. I complain about the dress, especially if I’m paying. If you are paying, darling bride, then party on and I’ll wear what ever the hell you want. What nobody has mentioned is the required dress, shoes, jewelry, hair and makeup (and sometimes travel) is usually the bridemaid’s sacrifice. Not cheap. A good friend (and a good bride) would be thoughtful of these factors when making choices.

And in full confession, when I got married (out of town), this is what I asked of my bridesmaids: Long black dress in whatever style is already in your closet. Everything else can be what ever you want. They looked great.
OC Housewife March 4, 2008

Jenny, awesome idea!
resortdude March 6, 2008

Where is the new Sassy column?…..I need my sassy with extra McButterpants!