ASK SASSY: Drunken Lush?
Dear Sassy,
My friends accused me of being a drunken lush. They said that knowing all of the happy hour menus better than their phone numbers was unhealthy.
What do you think?
Ruby
Dear Rubes,
Maybe this is hitting uncomfortably close to home, as I do happen to have a number of the local Happy Hour menus memorized myself… those little grilled cheeses at Pacific Grill for $5 with the chips and chutney? Come to Mummy!
We can all sit around and debate what does and doesn’t make you a drunken lush these days. 
Why just the other day I had imbibed a mere 2 pints of Stella Artois over at Paddy Coynes when I found myself feeling like Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth. Walking out of the ladies room I find myself in a small anteroom facing Three Doors. Where am I? Which door takes me back to my cozy booth? Which one takes me to David Bowie saying, “You remind me of the babe. The babe with the power.” Soooo confusing. 
Does this temporary disorientation imply Sassy is a drunk? God forbid.
Ruby, every young lady needs to find that sometimes fine line between imbibing a drink here and there (to bring out the flavors in your bar nuts, obvs) and becoming a sad old bar hag. Here are some tell tale signs that the drinkies are no longer your friends:
- Throwing up anywhere but your own bathroom toilet. Sure, I know no one ever walks down that alley, but throwing up in the street implies a certain lack of self control.
- Unrestrained Financial Expenditures. Buying a round of drinks for a small crowd at Monsoon Room is one thing, but getting loaded and awakening to find you have purchased all 150 of your Facebook friends “Today’s Gift” is quite another.
- Memory Loss. This should go without saying, but if you have a hard time remembering who you saw, what you said, what you did, or (God forbid!) who that is lying next to you- it is totally time to get some help.
Since Sassy might not be the most objective evaluator of alcoholic tendencies, I would recommend checking out the following resources:
Good Luck to you Ruby!
Love,
Sassy
Recommended Reading: Drinking in America: A History by Mark Edward Lender
Recommended Reading: Gin & Juice by The Gourds
Got a question for Sassy? Send it to <txp:dtj_obfuscated_email email="asksassy@exit133.com" />
Filed under: Ask-Sassy
14 comments
J Jamie Chase February 7, 2008
Edgy writting, Sassy. Kudos!
S subterranean February 7, 2008
Maybe her friends should focus on her fiscal responsibility and spend thriftness, I mean, being an alcoholic is one thing but at least she knows where to get a good deal. Sounds like she is a model for all of us lushes.
T Tressie February 7, 2008
excellent sassy mc!
Some people in Tacoma have No Sense of Drinking Self-Deprecating Humor…..they should be banished to Yelm.
I won’t be taking them on the 2nd annual 12 Bars of Christmas in Portland. (now there’s a town that celebrates liquid happiness)
S subterranean February 7, 2008
Furthermore, who remembers phone numbers in this age of speed dial and myFaves? I don’t think I could even tell you what my best friends phone number is, because when I dial her on my cell phone, I dial her face. That’s all I know. Her face. So please.
R Robin February 8, 2008
I agree with subterranean! Who DOES remember phone numbers in this day and age any more? AS IF! Ruby obviously demonstrates a thriftiness that all of us should emulate. A girl who knows how to navigate her way around a good deal is to be praised, not scorned. Ruby, continue with your epicurial attitude towards food and merriment!
M Marguerite February 8, 2008
I took that survey and it said I need to seek medical help for addiction. huh? For 3 drinks a week? That’s weird.
R Robin February 8, 2008
I KNOW! I took that survey and it said I needed help too! If having one drink every couple of days with binge drinking every couple of months makes one an alcoholic, then sign me up!
T tom waits February 8, 2008
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas
Welsh poet (1914 – 1953)
D Daniel Blue February 8, 2008
hey, sass…
can i buy you a drink sometime?
S Sassy McButterpants February 9, 2008
Oy! Daniel!
Go pick up girls in your own comments section!
C Crenshaw Sepulveda February 9, 2008
Can I get a comments section to pick up girls in?
E Erik S February 9, 2008
There are some people out there(entire organizations in fact) that hate nothing more than the idea that you might enjoy something they don’t like. Hence the ridiculously expansive smoking ban, lack of equal rights for gays, and alcoholscreening.org’s 3-drinks-a-week threshhold for chronic alcoholism.
If I weren’t straight I could line up a great weekend making nanny staters angry. Oh, and more than than a few cigarettes now and then gets my allergies going. Damn. Time for a new plan. How about drinking, eating bacon vealburgers, and driving without a seatbelt? Not in that order, mind you.
L LaLaLi February 9, 2008
The Gourds cover of “Gin and Juice” is the best song ev-ah. I put it on my mix CD of the best drinking songs ev-ah. Right up there with “Strawberry Wine” and “Beer For My Horses.”
A Andrew February 10, 2008
Erik:
Don’t get me started on seatbelt laws. Nothing frustrates me more than laws protecting idiots from themselves