Exit133

September 17, 2008 · Derek

ASK SASSY: Femaliciousness Desperatia

Dear Sassy,

I’ve been single for three years, now. The first year: bad break-up and time to heal. Second year: Relaxing and learning to have fun by myself. Third year: Out dating,  but not looking for men (anymore) I’m just wait for them to come to me now. (I have done match.com, that sucked)

Here is the problem. Most of the men that I meet are jerks.

For example:

Guy #1: Guy begged me for my phone number, and even though I wasn’t too interested I gave him my phone number anyway. And guess what, he never called me.

Guy #2: Met at a coffee shop. He engaged in conversation with me, we exchanged phone numbers. We hung-out for the rest of the afternoon, and when I left that evening he wanted to know when he was going to see me again. By the way, he asked me several times when he was going to see me again. Never heard from him after that. But, now I see him around town a lot because we live in the same area. I just ignore him when he says hello.

I could go-on-and-on, but I think two is enough. What am I doing wrong? Nothing. I’m doing nothing wrong. All my guy friends and even my ex’s think I’m a cool gal to hang-out with. I’m thoughtful, caring and a lot of other wonderful things. So, why is it that these jerk guys follow me everywhere!??!!! Are there no great men to date in T-town? Do I need to move to Seattle? I know you don’t know me, but WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING that these guys never follow though?

Please go away bad men.

J.P.

Dear J.P.,

I say this with love, but you sound a little psycho. Don’t get upset – this is normal. I think every woman I’ve ever known (and a lion’s share of the men) go through a phase in their single-ness where they snap. You have caught a disease, something Sassy calls “Femaliciousness Desperatia” or FD.

When you have FD, men can smell it on you. Initially good men will be attracted to your beauty and charms, but then, after a few dates (or maybe just a few minutes, depending on how far the disease has progressed) they will pick up on the stink of your desperation and psychoness and back away…. Or if they’re the wrong sort, they will sleep with you then run away.

Symptoms of FD:

  • Spending to much time posting and reading the Missed Connections section of Craigslist
  • Hanging out/sleeping with ex-boyfriends
  • Speaking loudly in bars about how you don’t have a boyfriend
  • Listening to Warm 106.9 music with Delilah and getting all misty
  • Sprawling out on your bed with cigarettes and wine pretending you’re Carrie Bradshaw as you obsessively search Match.com for your soulmate
  • Going to see Doug the Pyschic more than once a year

Nobody wants to admit they suffer from this malady, but Sassy would go so far as to say that at some point, every girl comes down with a little FD – at least in Junior High School.

The bottom line is, even though you claim you are doing nothing wrong, the only thing three years worth of flakes and jerks have in common is you! Good men come out of the woodwork when you are happy, self confident, and not a FD riddled PSYCHO.

Cures for FD include yoga practice, supportive non-psycho girlfriends, taking responsibility for your life, and therapy. You need to stop your man-focused self-pity fest and work on becoming someone too self confident and amazing to whine about how all men are jerks.

I want to tell you about my hometown. She’s a dusty old jewel in the south Puget Sound. And while we all like to pretend that Tacoma is already the booming metropolis she may someday become – she is (for now) a small town. A VERY small town. Cure your FD before word gets out to half the 253. And that guy who didn’t call but says hi? Say hi back. It’s common decency.

Love,
Sassy

Recommended Reading: Bridget Jones Diary by Helen Fielding

Recommended Listening: Merry Happy by Kate Nash

Got issues? Sassy will set you straight! Send a question to asksassy@exit133.com

18 comments

  • Stuart September 17, 2008

    Roffles.

  • altered chords September 17, 2008

    Isn’t it true that you get asked out by gentlemen that you “connect” with?

    In other words, they don’t just walk up to you and ask you out do they?

    It may be that you have a knack for connecting with jerks.

    This may require some self examination.

    You might consider changing the places you go and the activities in which you engage in order to meet guys that are not jerks.

    You may need a better “jerkometer”.

    For example, the next time you meet someone and he has time to “hang” around with you for an entire afternoon leads me to conclude that this is an individual with too much time on his hands, has no friends, or has no interests. If this particular gentleman has nothing but free time during the week – you need to stop and think “whoa…does this guy have a job?…No?…Is he a jerk or something?

    Try this for a few weeks and please report back to the exit 133 blog

  • working class hero September 18, 2008

    Sassy, what if you hang out at “Doug the pyschic”‘s with your ex ?

  • Giarc September 19, 2008

    “I’m thoughtful, caring and lots of other wonderful things.”

    Shouldn’t that be a given? Isn’t everyone (worth talking to)?

    I appreciate you putting yourself out there like that but Sassy is totally right. Work on yourself and love will find you.

  • OC Housewife September 20, 2008

    I used to listen to Delilah in the 80“s, fond memories.

    I have another idea for a FD cure. It’s kind of sappy, but, give of yourself to someone who needs someone to care about them. Go to a senior citizens facility and volunteer to spend time visiting with or reading to some of the folks who don’t get a lot of visitors. Or, join a Big Brother/Big Sister organization. There’s just a couple ideas.

    Rats..I didn’t come up with any deep parallels etc. so I could win blogger of the week

    Is there an award for the blogger who lives the furthest away :)

  • Mofo from the Hood September 20, 2008

    Something wrong with reading and rereading the missed connections on Craigslist?…Analyzing the minutia and categorizing the heartfelt pleas and the days and times and locations and then posting the data on spreadsheets?…Hour after hour, night after misty-eyed sleepless night?…Foregoing meals and personal contact with concerned others in order to discover a once-in-a-lifetime possible missed connection?

    Hey OC Housewife, by any chance does OC stand for obsessive-compulsive?

    Mr. C.*

    *curious

  • OC Housewife September 21, 2008

    Hi Mofo,

    OC stands for Orange County where I live. Although, I wonder who you’ve been talking to because I do have some mildly obsessive compulsive ways :) When I read your comment to my husband he busted up. He thinks you’re very intuitive.

  • Mofo from the Hood September 21, 2008

    Thank you OC Housewife. If you or I can offer a little color to blog forums and have some laughs in the process then that’s good enough for me.

  • altered chords September 22, 2008

    OC – What the heck are your guys doing way down in OC? Why are you not in Tacoma?

  • OC Housewife September 22, 2008

    We’ll get back. Possibly when the government starts selling all the foreclosed houses it’s about to buy with our tax dollars :) Maybe there will be some good deals.

  • altered chords September 22, 2008

    We will all be partial owners of all of that property that had been artificially inflated due to funding being available to underqualified borrowers.

    So now that I am buying a home, I am actually purchasing an overinflated/artificially inflated asset.

    Great.

  • Robin September 22, 2008

    Hey OC, I’m with altered chords.
    Why are you not in Tacoma?!

    Dear J.P.,
    Perhaps your standards are too high: Have you tried dating the 70+ crowd yet?

  • OC Housewife September 23, 2008

    OK Robin, let’s do a girls night out in Tacoma, we’ll pick up J.P. and help her get over the blues. Let’s start at
    The Spaghetti Factory and eat lots of bread and pasta!

  • working class hero September 23, 2008

    forget spaghetti, the only way to get better is by making a big deli sandwhich

  • Squid September 23, 2008

    Sandwiches FTW!

  • altered chords September 24, 2008

    Please be sure to post sandwich related findings to the forum sections under the “food and drink” category on this Exit133 blog.

    Thank you.

  • Mofo from the Hood September 24, 2008

    Keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool.

  • Robin September 24, 2008

    Making sandwiches AGAIN ;-)

    Well, I suppose it IS the official euphimism of Exit 133, but I still like OC’s idea about the OSF. Spaghetti with browned butter and Mizithra cheese: come to mummy!