ASK SASSY: Inquisition Squad
Dear Sassy,
My brother recently got married. It was beautiful and we all like her. Now everyone in the family is turning to me and asking when is it my turn? I’m not even dating anyone! What do I say to the inquisition squad?
Man Waiting for Love
Dear Man,
The funny thing about families is that they are so excited to get you on the treadmill of life. Once you’re on, they start hitting the speed button until one day, you look up incredulously screaming, “I’m at freaking 4.2 and I can’t take it anymore!”
As far as I can tell, the treadmill of life starts somewhere around high school graduation and ends somewhere after your 7th child- if you’re enough of a sucker to keep running and let your family tell you what to do, and Man, you don’t sound like a sucker to me.
It is not the families fault exactly. It’s sort of their evolutionary duty to make sure you settle down, reproduce, and pass that McButterpants DNA on to the next generation. That said, last time I checked 352,755 babies are born everyday on this big crazy planet. So while your family might not agree with me, the human race can wait as long as you want. Also, you’re a man, so the whole idea of having a ticking time bomb inside your uterus doesn’t even really come into play.
Here are some evasive strategies & responses to the awkward moments:
Inquisitorial Squad (Aunt Bernice): When are you going to settle down and get married?
Man Waiting: Actually… my girlfriend just broke up with me…
Analysis: WEAK – While the goal is of course to shame the questioner into backing off, you are more likely to end up with a date with her lonely office secretary, grocery store checker, or similar.
Inquisitorial Squad (Cousin Fred): What the hell’s wrong with you boy? Why ain’t you gotten married yet?
Man Waiting: Since the passage of Prop 8, my boyfriend and I are unable to get married. It’s kind of a sensitive subject.
Analysis: STRONG – This one works GREAT for two reasons. 1. If you are getting up in years, they probably think you prefer the company of men anyways. 2. It’s the sort of thing they are going to really enjoy discussing behind your back, so the marriage conversation should really never come up again. And kids are totally off the table!
Inquisitorial Squad (Mom): Honey, we’re so happy to see your brother settled and happy. I saw you cry during the exchange of rings. When are you going to settle down?
Man Waiting: To be honest mom, I’ve dated half of Tacoma. Many nice girls but still haven’t found the one. Don’t worry though, there are only about 60 actual single people between the ages of 25-40 in Tacoma, so it shouldn’t be much longer before I’ve met everyone and picked one.
Analysis: STRONG – It’s the truth, but Sassy suddenly feels like getting drunk, chain smoking, and calling to old boyfriends “just to talk”.
Good luck with the inquisitorial squad, buddy. It’s the holidays, when they have optimal organization and we singles are at our most vulnerable. God Speed.
Love,
Sassy
Recommended Reading: Life Sentence: The Guy’s Survival Guide to Getting Engaged and Married by JD Smith
Recommended Listening: Love & Marriage by Frank Sinatra
Got issues? Sassy will set you straight! Send a question to <txp:dtj_obfuscated_email email="asksassy@exit133.com" />
Filed under: Ask-Sassy, General
16 comments
M Mofo from the Hood November 28, 2008
ULTIMATE PROVIDER & PROTECTOR PHILOSOPHY:
“I’d rather want what I don’t have than have what I don’t want.”
N Natasha November 28, 2008
I’ve answered this question in several ways as a social science experiment to see which works best.
The most succinct answer that seems to get people off my back about the topic of marriage is as follows:
Delivered with a sheepish grin: “I’m just waiting for the first wave of divorce.” :)
T Torax O'Tool November 29, 2008
I’m in a similar boat. I’m the oldest, yet my 2 younger sisters are hooked up… Boofka O’Tool has been married 5 years and has a kid, while Brizzle O’Tool is getting married in June.
But at any family gathering (cough, Thanksgiving) I get the interrogation. Now that I’ve moved into my late 20s, I’m now getting the “you’re not getting any younger” comment.
BUT I have a solution to it!
My Dad’s oldest brother got married later, and by “later” I mean 45. Not only is he (seemingly) the happiest of my dad & his siblings, but my uncle and aunt are also the most well off.
…and considering we grew up poor, that argument works really well.
T’OT’s advice:
Find comparisons within the family that help make your case… not just similarities, but also some examples of what not to do.
R Robin December 1, 2008
Just tell your family that you have become a scientologist and are waiting for your alien bride to come down from the sky. They will be so distraught by your obvious mind-abduction by Tom Cruise and his ilk that they will no longer be worried about when you choose to settle down. Instead, they will be planning an intervention.
A altered chords December 1, 2008
Creepiness rule be damned! Rules are meant to be broken.
A altered chords December 2, 2008
Upon further reflection and working through various scenarios I am forced to recant my previous comments about the Creepiness Rule.
I have informed the ladies in the retirement home.
M Mofo from the Hood December 2, 2008
Let’s together work out the popular formula for dating:
2 96 year-old bachelorettes, Gladys and Myrtle, at Old Tacoma Rest Home decide over lunch that it would be fun to double date.
Gladys has always preferred younger men and Myrtle prefers older men. They finally agree that a double date would be the most fun if the two men were the same age.
According to the popular formula for determining a society approved date:
96 divided by 2 = 48. 48 plus 7 = 55.
96 year-olds Gladys and Myrtle may have their world rocked taboo-free by two bachelors aged 55.
A altered chords December 2, 2008
That’s exactly why I don’t play jazz at Franke Tobey Jones.
Imagine the scandal.
If you are interested in dating either Gladys or Myrtle here’s how to figure out how many years you need to wait.
your age + x = ((96 + x)/2) + 7
So if you are 40 you will need to wait 30 years to date gladys who will be 126.
M Mofo from the Hood December 2, 2008
It has been established that 96 year-old bachelorette Myrtle likes older men. Now using the popular formula for dating, what age range of bachelor may Myrtle date and not provoke a scandal?
96 – 7 = 89 × 2 = 178
Myrtle may date bachelors aged up to 178 years-old and not provoke a scandal.
Let’s check our proof:
178 divided by 2 = 89 + 7 = 96.
However, the reliabilty of Myrtle to conform to the upper age limit of 178 may be subject to revision if Myrtle were to get sloppy drunk and then later claim that she wasn’t responsible for seducing a 190 year-old.
T Thorax O'Tool December 2, 2008
Yes, but the 7 applies only as an average. If Myrtle lives in or comes from a part of the country with more relaxed standards, such as Appalachia, the Ozarks, or any middle ages European country, then the difference may be higher. If a 65 year old and a 16 year old can get married and not be social outcasts in Arkansas, then we can use 58 as the upper limit, provided Myrtle lives or dates in said places. So now we have a maximum age of 308, possibly even 315 if drunk.
Which also isn’t taboo in certain regions of Scotland… mainly in the Highlands.
M Marguerite December 2, 2008
Oh. My. Gosh. You did NOT just bring the Highlander into this!
S Squid December 2, 2008
It’s all fuzzy math.
A altered chords December 3, 2008
Algebraic formula. No space curving in on itself here.
Squid, I think you are disturbed by the lack of lower and upper bounds. If I find the time, I will refine the equation.
S Squid December 3, 2008
AC: That’s got to be the problem. Lit major here, I’m a people person.
A altered chords December 3, 2008
Me too actually. I will not refine this stupid equation.
Sorry to let everyone down.
The massive variations caused by earnings and alcohol alone would drive even Steven Hawking mad.
T Thorax O'Tool December 3, 2008
“Oh. My. Gosh. You did NOT just bring the Highlander into this!“
I sooooo did.
I mean, if we’re working with sesquicentenarians and above, why not?