ASK SASSY: Lonely Girl Seeks Man
Dear Sassy,
I’m single again and want to meet a real man who will treat me right. Where should I be looking?
-Lonely
Dear Lonely,
If my great Granny Betty McButterpants were still with us (bless her bitter, drunken, Scottish soul) she would have told you the answer to your question is simple:
Look inside yourself, you daft cow.
Lonely, what is going on inside you that is repeatedly attracted to fellows who treat you poorly? Sassy thinks the problem at the root of this all is self worth. If you treated yourself right, all the fellers in your life would know to do the same.
And, by the way, you weren’t specific about how these whippersnappers have been treating you. In Sassy’s world “poorly” means events of this nature are happening:
- He tells you that you’re beautiful, “Just the way you are” then gives you a $1,000 gift card to “The Holideck Med Spa” and a picture of Jessica Alba for Christmas
- You catch him wearing your underoos. Or worse, your best friends’ underoos
- You’ve been married for 6 months and he still refuses to change his relationship status on Facebook to “In a Relationship”
It’s like Madonna once said, “Until I learned to love myself, I was nevah evah lovin’ anybody else.” Nothing is more attractive to a quality bloke than a filly who’s self confident and loves herself. Except maybe a well fitting pair of jeans.
Love,
Sassy
Full Disclosure: When I want a real man who will treat me right I head down to Club Silverstone, knock back a few $3 Vodka Cranberries and dance the night away with some fellers who know how to treat a lady…. Or go to the Java Jive, drink some PBR, and make out with a hippy.
But that’s just me.
Recommended Reading: Mars & Venus on a Date by John Gray
Recommended Listening: Girlfriend by Pebbles
Got a question for Sassy? Send it to <txp:dtj_obfuscated_email email="asksassy@exit133.com" />
Filed under: Ask-Sassy
15 comments
R RR Anderson January 16, 2008
no no no this is all wrong. Lonely here’s my advice… get thee to Alaska where the odds are good (but the goods are odd).
E Erik S January 16, 2008
Hmm…reminds me of an MTX song, RR. Which is good, because I’m still kind of shocked that someone (anyone) recommended listening to Pebbles.
Customers who bought this item also bought Meeting in the Ladies Room by Klymaxx and You Got It All by the Jets.
Wow. I need some time.
S Squid January 16, 2008
Sassy McButterpants: I hope you are being paid for this. If not, I have a handful of twenties for you, just meet me at …
M Mofo from the Hood January 16, 2008
Dear Lonely:
What do you look like in a thong-back bikini?
L Lonely January 17, 2008
Quite nice if I do say so myself.
Are you a real man who will treat me right Mofo?
A Andrew January 17, 2008
Lonely:
Pay no attention to Mofo.
Honestly, you think you’ll be treated right by a mother-something or other from the hood? From the HOOD?
Come now Lonely. You need the finer things in life. Arts. Culture. Stability. Things that can only be acquired by a learned man from South Downtown.
Awwwwwww yeah.
E Erik S January 17, 2008
Andrew is probably right, but for the wrong reason. If you are looking for someone to “treat you right”, you should probably look away from anyone who’s first question what you look like in a particular kind of underpants.
F Fussy McSquishytuche' January 17, 2008
yeah, my man still loves me no matter what kinda underwear i wear!
even if they are made out of pure butter.
A Andrew January 17, 2008
Erik:
My, how wrong you are.
Not only is that the first question that needs to be asked, it’s the ONLY question that needs to be asked.
M Mofo from the Hood January 17, 2008
Lonely @5:
“Are you a real man who will treat me right Mofo?”
Ms. Lonely, first off I’m gonna help you get your thinkin’ straight. I don’t treat you nuttin. You treat me.
Now let’s see, for starters I want the FS GFE (Full Service Girl Friend Experience).
I’ll decide if I like you after that.
E Erik S January 17, 2008
I think that I may swoon after being exposed to all this romance.
R Rick Jones January 18, 2008
Let’s get back to the ‘pure butter underwear.’ I’ve heard about chat rooms like these.
A Andrew January 18, 2008
Mofo:
I like your style.
S Squid January 18, 2008
Man, what I would give for the FSGRE.
S Squid January 18, 2008
FSGFE, typo above. Too much Ravenswood.