ASK SASSY: No Marriage for You!
Dear Sassy,
I’m a financial analyst but am having problems analyzing my own problems. So can you analyze this? I’ve been dating this girl for a year and a half and she’s really great. She wants to get married and I don’t. She’s not the one I want to marry but I also don’t want to break up with her. Is this wrong?
From,
Spineless Analyst
Dear Spineless,
Yes. It is wrong. Moreover, you know it’s wrong or you wouldn’t have signed your question, “Spineless”. You would have signed something like, “Confused” or “Sissy-Boy”.
So, this girl wants to get married and have your babies, you just want to spend quality time with her (and presumably get it on with some amount of regularity). I have no issues with your vision for the relationship. Sassy is no prude! However, in spite of my tendency to be flippant, I feel like marriage is something we simply should not fool around with, so I will be direct.
If you are dating a serious marriage minded filly, it is morally wrong to keep dating her if you are certain there is no real future. Now, if you are particularly gifted with words or have a level of smoothness about your personage, you might consider a conversation that goes something like this:
“Snookums, you know I think you’re the bee’s knees, but I care about you so much I feel the need to be totally honest with you. At this point in my life I am not seeing marriage in my future. I don’t want to be a big, fat jerk and be in any way ambiguous about where I see our relationship going. I think you’re great, but I don’t see us getting that joint checking account and Waterford China. Can we still be together? Because I really like spending time with you, our little inside jokes, and getting it on with some regularity.”
Who knows? Pick up some flowers at Blitz & Co, deliver the above speech over dinner at El Gaucho and she might agree to stick around and be your Mrs. Right Now while you kill time waiting for Scarlett Johansson to come to her senses. I kind of doubt it though.
Trust me, if you have to break up it won’t be that bad. Make it clean and easy. You’ll be making out with someone else before you know it, and hopefully if they start singing “Danny’s Song” in the shower in a pointed manner, you might actually be receptive.
Good Luck, Spiney.
Love,
Sassy
Recommended Reading: Getting to Commitment: Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection by Steven Carter
Recommended Listening: Breaking Up by Rilo Kiley
Got a question for Sassy? Send it to <txp:dtj_obfuscated_email email="asksassy@exit133.com" />
Filed under: Ask-Sassy
31 comments
R Robin February 21, 2008
OH GOOD LORD, Spineless! (Now you’ve done gone and made me take the Lord’s name in vain) Don’t you hate yourself a teensy bit for what you’re doing?
K Keeper February 21, 2008
“…it is morally wrong to keep dating her if you are certain there is no real future…”
Wow, you talk about what is morally wrong, yet call yourself “not a prude” referring this spineless analyst and his filly getting it on with regularity. Me thinkest you need a new definition of morality!
M Mofo from the Hood February 21, 2008
Mr. S.A.:
I don’t recommend talking in direct terms to a woman. (No offense Sassy. This time your advice seems sensible.)
Anyway Mr. S.A., this “girl” you’re dating, when she brings up marriage just bring her back in line with this old standard:
“Some women are for marriage and some women are for romancing. I happen to find you very romantic.”
E Erik Hanberg February 21, 2008
Ouch, Mofo.
That’s gonna hurt about as bad as telling her “Welcome to Dumpsville, population you.” But not as bad as— “Everyone who has a boyfriend who loves them step forward … No, not so quick, honey.”
I’m in favor of Sassy’s method.
R Red Hot Snap Dragon February 21, 2008
Ok-there is a real problem with spineless financial analysts in Tacoma.
Did you hear about the big settlement by the Tacoma arm of Morgan Stanley for gender discrimination against Deborah Dodson?
They settled for $750,000- but wouldn’t pay out if she didn’t promise to keep her lips sealed about the alleged discrimination. They told her it was just part of the “Good Ole Boy” way. In the end a federal judge ordered them to allow Deb to tell her story.
Glad you’re shedding light on this spineless analyst’s way with women. It’s another example of what they think is acceptable.
S southsounder February 21, 2008
I just finnished watching “ROME” on DVD and having seen how they handled these things in ancient times has shown me the light (I wish I would have known of this method earlier in my life as it would have saved myself and others much heartache)first you should poison her, perhaps in her morning tea/coffee, Then with a short sword (or if you dont have one handy a carving knife,tent spike or sharp stick will also work) you should impail yourself just under the rib cage in an upward motion and presto!!! problem solved oh I almost forgot if you happen to have any children or servents you should end thier suffering also. It just wouldnt be right to let them live.
or if your a coward with no honor you could listen to SASSY
K Kristin February 21, 2008
Mofo and Mr. Spineless,
Nice that you have such a full bank of quotes from which to lay out rhetoric when it comes to women (thanks to the repression of women throughout history). Riding high on the old machismo perception. Convenient. Doubt however, that I need to advise you and Spineless not to take women for granted. We outlive you, we are smarter than you, and we seduce you (the generic male – not you) :) . My point is, Spineless’ girl already knows he will not marry her. She enjoys the hunt, just as he.
Finally, what does “Financial Analyst” have to do with your dilemma?
One more item for the discussion: while your machismo rhetoric is old school – and I know you know this – marriage (sp? – telling) is as well. Meaning, women do not need a man. We can work, vote, provide, and . . .reproduce without one. Can you?
R RR Anderson February 21, 2008
I say go for it. Just marry her. You’ll eventually really fall in love with her. True love takes years and years and years and years.
If all else fails lower your standards. Thats what the great Buddha teaches.
M Mofo from the Hood February 21, 2008
Kristen @7, I happen to find you very romantic.
R Robin February 21, 2008
Dear Southsounder,
I like your style.
P phil February 21, 2008
Hand in the G-card, Sassy.
Any self-respecting queer boy is on a first name basis with Waterford.
K Kristin February 22, 2008
Mofo at Number Nine:
Indeed I failed to mention what we do need men for: to lift heavy objects and to make us blush.
M Mofo from the Hood February 22, 2008
TO KRISTIN AND LIKE-MINDED WOMEN:
Adam needed Eve, to a point.
Sampson thought he needed Delilah.
There’s two examples of nice guys brought down by women who just had to dominate a man.
A Andrew February 22, 2008
@ Kristin:
Don’t forget opening pickle jars. Those things are tricky.
R Robin February 23, 2008
Mr. Mofo in da Hood,
Sampson was obviously a week seed. His downfall was his own damn fault and I think sympathy in this case is unwarranted. And what exactly does Sampson have to do with Spineless and his inability to face his inability to quit?
M Mofo from the Hood February 23, 2008
Well Robin @15, if that’s your real name, I agree with you about Sampson. He couldn’t control his lust. What do you think Spineless is in such turmoil about?
A lot of guys idealize women. Oftentimes they’re seeing something, say inner beauty, that maybe isn’t there.
Sometimes a guy like Adam or Sampson or Spineless figures out a woman too late…
D Daniel Blue February 23, 2008
I just don’t think saying, “i don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you, but i really would like to keep screwing you, if thats cool”, is any sort of passable rhetoric. spineless needs to face the fact that his #*&$%buddy isn’t on the same page. if he gives a poop about her at all, he will call off the relationship to keep her heart as whole as possible. leading her on from this point is only asking for more and more heartbreak. the more times you are intimate with someone who wants you to stick around, the closer they come to you… the closer they come, the more it hurts when you eventually leave. If she’s not the one you want to marry, then what you are really saying is that at some point you see yourself leaving the relationship…
my mom said, “the right girl will make you feel like you are ready to get married, the wrong girl will make you feel like you need to wait a while.”
the problem is spineless, you are with the wrong girl, and the part in you that gives us men a bad name, cant let go cause he’s getting some tail.
its kind of simple.
you can lie and pretend you’re making meaningful love.
or you can give a damn about her heart, and do what is best for her.
R Robin February 23, 2008
Uh, Mr. MoFo, it would appear that you have some serious issues with women. Therapy?
M Mofo from the Hood February 23, 2008
Robin @18:
I recommend using discernment before action. With regards to any spiritual matter, including this topic of marriage, I highly recommend the wisdom of God—-He invented marriage.
You may find wisdom about marriage in the Bible books 1 Corinthians 7, Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, and Mark 10:6-9.
C Crenshaw Sepulveda February 24, 2008
I thought Al Gore invented marriage, oh wait, that was the internets. I’m not sure how marriage can be invented. It can be institutionalized, legalized, codified, and conventionalized, but how exactly can it be invented by anyone? Is this invention of marriage by god pretty much like god’s invention of water, jalapeño peppers, and sandpaper? I’m fairly certain that invention if the province of man. If you want to get all biblical you don’t have to get very far into the bible, something about the creation of the heavens and the earth.
K Kristin February 25, 2008
Andrew @ 14:
. . . and starting lawnmowers, putting chains on tires in the snow, snuggling with at night, spooning . . . hmm. . . perhaps we do need you (actually I know we do). :)
K kc February 25, 2008
marriage is extremely overrated.
B Brotha E February 25, 2008
Kristin,
You forgot discipline of children. These single moms today have some bad ass kids.
R Robin February 25, 2008
Mr MoFo @ 19,
Dude, what does ‘discernment before action’ and 1 Corinthians 7 have to do with your issues with women?
And don’t think that I’m not familiar with ‘…each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband…’
You smugly presume that you alone are familiar with the bible. Went to church every Sunday and Wednesday of my life, Mr. MoFo.
M Mofo from the Hood February 25, 2008
Robin @24, I’d insult you but you wouldn’t understand.
R Robin February 25, 2008
Mr MoFo,
Touche.
A Andrew February 26, 2008
Kristin:
Women can have the putting on chains in the snow, as far as I’m concerned.
I did that nonsense once.
Never again.
A altered chords February 26, 2008
Analyst:
You’re struggling with analysis of the relationship because you have not yet matured enough to know yourself or to build your character.
Start building your character today. Life will be more fulfilling to you when you change your focus from satisfying your basic needs (self centered focus) to an outward focus where you give of yourself to another (love).
I share Daniel’s sentiments above. There are many men who strive daily to love their wives and build character and positive self esteem of their children and leave a positive imprint on the world. Giving, not taking.
By the way – Al Gore invented global warming and love.
R Robin February 26, 2008
Dear Altered Chords,
You’re my kind of man.
C Crenshaw Sepulveda February 27, 2008
wouldn’t love lead to global warming/
A altered chords February 27, 2008
So that’s the problem. Close all the churches and you solve global warming.
Brilliant!