ASK SASSY: Online Dating

Dear Sassy,
I’m a single guy, 28, and somewhat naive to the ways of online dating. I have a couple of questions I hope you can answer. Why do women who claim their best feature is their butt not actually display it in their photos? Why do homely girls wink, but not write emails, but the cute girls say, “I don’t respond to winks” in their profiles? Why is the number of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes in a girl’s profile inversely proportional to the girl’s rating on the hotness scale?

Signed,
Mitchell Mismatched

My Dearest Mitchy M,

Just who do you think you’re talking to here? Do you honestly think Sassy is going to believe that a guy who asks questions about the nuances of “winking” at internet girls is naive about online dating? Phwah.

Whether you have even admitted it to yourself yet, MichyPoo, you are an experienced online dater. All the same, my MisMatched Friend, I will answer your questions.

• Why do women who claim their best feature is their butt not actually display it in their photos?
  Duh, only hoochies and tramps say their butt is their best feature. Even if it’s true.

• Why do homely girls wink, but not write emails, but the cute girls say “I don’t respond to winks” in their profiles?
  I’m not convinced your assertion that all girl winkers are homely is correct. I think mainly they’re either shy or lazy. As for the hotties “not responding to winks”, this is simply a supply and demand issue. Any girl who’s ever put her profile up on the great dart board that is the online dating world knows that it is impossible to keep up with all the winking and emailing and propositioning going on. If she’s even reasonably good looking she’s going to have a lot of clever messages to weed through without worrying about a bunch of passive aggressive winking. N’est-ce pas?

• Why is the number of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes in a girl’s profile inversely proportional to the girl’s rating on the hotness scale?
  A brief perusal of Women on Match.com, ages 24-34, in the 98402, showed that this assertion about dumb hot girls is fiction. Maybe someone is proofing these girls’ profiles? It could be that you are from up north and are referring to the ladies of 98004. This group does seem to be a hot yet inarticulate bunch- and spelling challenged to boot.

Mitch, I am trying to be funny here, but it’s obvious you have a little resentment towards the ladies. In my experience, reading profile after profile late at night can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and bitterness. Free yourself, brother. Break the chains of bleery eyed profile trolling that bind you.

Here is my suggestion. Lay off the internet for a while. Take a shower, shave, put on a well-fitting pair of jeans and a clean shirt, grab your buddies, and go participate in real life. Head on up to the Tempest, the lighting there would make you look like a hottie!

Love,
Sassy

Recommended Reading: Romancing the Web: A Therapist’s Guide to the Finer Points of Online Dating by Diane M. Berry

Recommended Listening: Portions for Foxes by Rilo Kiley

Got a question for Sassy? Send it to <txp:dtj_obfuscated_email email="asksassy@exit133.com" />