ASK SASSY: Political Endorsements

Here are Sassy McButterpants’ endorsements in contested races on the Nov. 4 general election ballot. These endorsements were selected through a rigorous process of reading the Voter Pamphlet with a bottle of Boone’s and a detailed analysis of their hygiene, gambling debts, mistresses, and personal style.

… These endorsements in no way reflect the opinion of Exit133 or its writers.

Pierce County Executive
Shawn Bunny

This is a race where it’s been pretty well documented that lots of sketchy rich people have given cash to multiple candidates, so it’s not a fun one to vote on. Initially I planned to endorse Calvin Goings because he’s most make-out-with-able, but then switched to Shawn Bunny because his picture is the most fun to “enhance” and if he wins he has promised to open a playboy mansion on North 6th & Stadium Way.

Pierce County Assessor-Treasurer
Terry Lee

One of Sassy’s favorite pastimes in visiting the Pierce County Assessor Treasurer Website and looking up what all her friends and coworkers paid for their houses. Seriously, it’s fun. You can also find out if that hot guy you just met has child support liens on his McCarver Village Townhome. Not that that’s ever happened to me. Anyways, I picked Terry Lee because he has a Post Graduate degree in Nuclear Physics and also Zoology. It’s very important when assessing home values to understand animals and nukes.

Pierce County Sheriff
R.P. Kollu

It’s no secret that Sassy is a big fan of Self Help. After carefully considering all candidates for Sheriff, I have decided to endorse R.P. Kollu. Mr. Kollu is a therapist, and it seems to me that a Sheriff who spends a little more time asking people about their mothers might get somewhere. To quote the candidate, “Will use ‘What, when, where, why, who and how’ for all actions with best mental, physical, spiritual health”. Sounds good to me! Also, he has promised that he is not a victim of mental anger. His picture was not available online so I used a photograph of another guru of peace and healing, Mr. Stewart Smally.

Pierce County Council, District 4
Tim Farrell

This one was easy. First of all, he owns a duck. Second, he is a snappy dresser. But really, the main reason is because I’ve met him before, and got the impression that he thinks I’m pretty hot. He gets my vote!