ASK SASSY: Skinny Jean Dreams
Dear Sassy,
Sub Pop’s 20th Anniversary concert weekend (July 12 and 13) is coming up quick, and I need to drop some pounds pronto so I can squeeze into my skinny jeans and blend in with the hipster landscape. Do you have any quick weight loss tips other than the obvious – drinking my lunch and cigarette snack breaks?
Frantic Fatty
Dear Fatty,
I feel the need to be responsible and put out the following disclaimers:
- One should never begin any sort of diet or exercise program without first consulting their physician.
- The promotion and glorification of the perfect, thin, sexy body is an impossible ideal perpetrated by some sort of wicked secret society (Pentaverin!) led by Anna Wintour, The Nation of France, Andre Leon Talley, Dick Cheney, and Anderson Cooper.
Before going down the path of scary diets and wicked weight loss techniques, I feel the need to address what was, (For me) the most startling aspect of your question. People feel the need to shrink down for various reasons: weddings, vacations, being forced to buy a second airplane seat, etc. But losing weight to impress HIPSTERS? Tut tut, Fatty. That’s just sad.
Hipsters will judge you if you are fat or thin, there’s no pleasing them. That’s what being a good hipster is all about, disaffected disapproval of almost everything. Besides, after looking at the lineup at the Sub Pop Concert Weekend, I think you are more likely to be surrounded by aging, nostalgic Gen-Xers than and skinny-jean-ensconsed, tattooed, judgemental hipsters.
Your question is a bit ridiculous since it is impossible to slim down in 7 days without chain smoking, drinking your lunch, and probably throwing up*. I don’t think Sassy is exposing any diet secrets when she says that lasting weight loss is simply a matter of limiting your calorie intake and increasing your exercise. For a healthy, lasting, approach to weight loss I recommend Weight Watchers.
Sassy’s weight, like the stock market, is cyclical. It seems to have a 3 year cycle ranging over about 30 lbs. This is a sample day’s meals during one of Sassy’s sporadic slim downs:
| Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner |
| 3 Cups Black Coffee | 1 Cup Black Coffee | 3 Cans PBR |
| Plain Pop Tarts | 1 Bag of Baby Carrots | 1 bag Low Fat Popcorn |
| 8oz Glass Water | 1 Salad w/ Olive Oil & Vinegar | 1 plain chicken breast |
| 1 Box Junior Mints |
Obviously, there is not a lot of representation from foods offering real nutrition, but if a healthy, balanced, lifestyle is what you seek, I don’t know why you’re reading this column to begin with.
In conclusion, My advice is to go to the Sub Pop thing and rock out with Gen Xers, ignore skinny hipster judgementalness at all times. If you’re really bursting with Frantic Fatness, go out and buy yourself a cute workout outfit and work off your blubber the old fashioned way, with diet and exercise.
Love,
Sassy
*Sassy does not recommend! Repeat, Sassy does not recommend!
Recommended Reading: Skinny Bitch by Kim Barnouin and Rory Freedman
Recommended Listening: My Humps by Black Eyed Peas
Got issues? Sassy will set you straight! Send a question to <txp:dtj_obfuscated_email email="asksassy@exit133.com" />
Filed under: Ask-Sassy
6 comments
E Erik S July 12, 2008
I feel that I need to speak out for the aging, nostalgic gen-x set: skinny jeans are f***ing ugly.
O OC Housewife July 14, 2008
Hey Smarty pants Erik! We don’t wear skinny jeans because we’re not skinny any more. And HELLO! We never called them skinny jeans. They were called peg legged or straight legged jeans. We weren’t so wrapped up in being skinny back then. It was more cool for a girl to have curves. And before those jeans, we were wearing bell bottoms in elementary school. Star Jeans or San Francisco as I remember. So when the straight legs came out it was more about the straight legs not the whole skinny thing!! And, the bomb diggity for us turned out to be the button fly shrink to fit 501 Levis and we had to shrink them ourselves which probably wasted a lot of water because you had to do it a few times to make them wearable.
Sassy, you’re so right, no one from my generation xtra cool will be judging.
E Erik S July 15, 2008
OC – I’m not judging the wearer, I’m judging the pants. Some fashions are just unfortunate.
R Robin July 15, 2008
Dear F.F.,
Practice a little self kindness, darling. Thin, or with a little extra to love, “Either way, it’s okay, you wake up with yourself.”*
*True words of wisdom from Piano Man and professional alcoholic, Mr. Joel
Also, I’d like to give a shout out to those “xtra cool”, aging, nostalgic gen-x-ers who never did mind lady like curves. Whoop Whoop!
A altered chords July 15, 2008
Bell bottoms and skinny jeans were better than the odd style of wearing pants so long that you actually tread on the fabric of the pant leg. And the bizzare style of wearing pants that ride so low that your underwear shows. I’ve seen way more stretch marks on 20 somethings than I need to.
Go to the party as you are. If you don’t like the way you are then change it.
A altered chords July 17, 2008
That was incomplete advice.
Great way to lose weight. Seriously.
Start by jogging 3 times per week. Try Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.
start out with 15 minutes.
Bump you saturday run up by 5 minutes per week until you get to 45 minutes.
Then bump your Wednesday run up the same way till you get to 35 minutes. Then do the same for the Monday night run.
Then, mix in some weight lifting on Tuesdays and Thursdays. See one of the trainers at the gym and ask them what to do. They’ll get you started.
The endorphins will get you hooked and you’ll feel great.
Some muscle soreness is expected. But back off if tendons or ligaments begin to hurt.
Make sure your diet is balanced with plenty of veggies and protien. Get rid of refined sugar and other high carbo foods. Many fats are OK to eat – just don’t overdo it. Avoid fried food but don’t eliminate fish and chips from the fish house cafe at 19th and MLK. That could be your reward once a month. Live it up then. Get extra tubs of tartar sauce and dip your fries in it. Don’t eat dinner that night. Just drink beer. (carbs)
You’ll find that you can actually drink more beer without feeling bloated. That is the real secret to happiness.