ASK SASSY: Smoking Hot
Dear Sassy,
You’re smoking hot. I know this because you are smoking in your picture. When David Sedaris was in Tacoma, he said that he tells young girls that they should smoke because it will make them look cool and they will stay thin and get a boyfriend. I think he was joking, but who knows? What would you tell a teenage smoker? Kick the habit or smoke ‘em like there’s no tomorrow?
Sincerely,
The Smoking Hottie
Dear Hottie,
In the disguise of flattery you have deftly baited the hook for Sassy. To ask such a question of a chain-smoking alcoholic advice columnist shows questionable motives! Should I reveal my true position on smoking? What about all the young children who look up to me? They will start smoking and their parents will pressure this fine online publication to remove my column.
On the other hand- if I lie and tell everyone I hate cigarettes I will have compromised my journalistic integrity and jeopardized my Pulitzer! God forbid!
Here’s my message to the youth of America: Just like every decision in life (political party affiliation, beer of choice, Tacoma or Seattle) there are positives and negatives to each side. To smoke or not to smoke?
The surgeon general (and a number of other boring old people) tell us that smoking has all sorts of negatives including:
- It might give you cancer and is generally not good for your health
- A certain segment of society will instantly dislike you with a purity of hatred usually reserved for child killers
- Non smokers and people you want to snog might think you’re gross
- Smoking is pricey and bleeds your finances dry much in the same way a coke habit does
- Smoking will make your teeth yellow, so brush often and use whiteners
- Being corralled like a sad eyed cow into humiliating designated smoking areas
The Sassy General would like to remind you that there are also some benefits to smoking:
- You join a band of brothers, a subculture that unites black and white, rich and poor, republican and democrat. Famous Smokers include Oscar Wilde, Barack Obama, Shakira, Popeye the Sailorman, Camilla Parker-Bowels,and Claudia Schifer
- Smokers are thinner than non-smokers even when they ingest more calories
- It’s a great way to make new friends. With smokers, that is
- Smoking makes you look hot to some people (if you’re good at it)
- It makes you more qualified to play a villain in popular cinema
Those of us that enjoy the odd vice are being slowly and oppressively forced to reform by society. Why must one feel perpetually guilty about everything one does? Whether your vice is smoking, tanning, promiscuity, the McDonald’s $1 Menu, or watching 2 hours per day of television- your naughty habits are under attack.
That said, please understand that Sassy understands consequences. If you smoke 2 packs a day no one wants to hear you whine when you get cancer. If you love the drive thru and have a big bottom, don’t complain about not fitting in your jeans. If you dally with ladies of the evening, no one wants to hear you whine about your venereal diseases. If you watch 2 hours of Wife Swap per day no one wants to deal with your dumbness.
My advice is this- whether it’s smoking, drinking, doing it, or driving a car (the most dangerous habit of all) wait until you’re the legal age to engage in the behavior and decide for yourself. With the enjoyment of vice comes acceptance of the consequences of your actions.
Lots of love,
Sassy
Recommended Reading: Thank You for Smoking: A Novel by Christopher Buckley
Recommended Listening: Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk by Rufus Wainwright
Got issues? Sassy will set you straight! Send a question to <txp:dtj_obfuscated_email email="asksassy@exit133.com" />
Filed under: Ask-Sassy
25 comments
E Erik S May 1, 2008
I am losing faith in our country’s ability comprehend the link between freedom and risk. If we lose our ability to tolerate any level of risk, we will end up throwing the baby (our freedoms) out with the bathwater.
It is good that we have made at least some progress against problems such as racism and homophobia. At the same time, it is unfortunate that while so many “progressives” don’t think that freedom extends to things that they don’t like, such a red meat, guns, and tobacco. In this they are no better than conservative fire-and-brimstone preachers. Both groups just want everyone else to do things their way. They’ll sing the national anthem at a ballpark, but I don’t think that they really “get it”.
Um, sorry. Got a little carried away. I think that I just meant to say “nice post”.
G gaylethesnail May 1, 2008
Hi Sassy,
You forgot to mention that smoking not only makes your teeth an ucky color, it makes your mouth smell like an ashtray… oh, I almost forgot,even flossing and using your sonicare can’t repair the messed up gums and lost bone around your teeth. Next time you see a homeless person who smokes, take a good look, cuz you’ll be looking like twins. Woops, and oral cancer on your tongue and throat… especially if you like your cocktails with your smokes… sorry for the bad news, but it’s true… Gaylethesnail
H Heather May 1, 2008
@1 Erik, you have possibly convinced me to stop wearing my bicycle helmet.
S Squid May 1, 2008
Heather@3, as for me, I am going walk my dog OFF-LEASH.
S subterranean May 1, 2008
The problem is not taking individual risks, but when you take risks that can hurt others. Part of our problem as a society is we are so blind to our impacts on others that we believe we are only taking individual risks when in fact the outcomes of our individual actions are far reaching. What happens when Heather decides not to wear her bike helmet and gets in an accident, but instead of having minor broken bones, ends up in a coma? Isn’t a little selfish not to consider how that could destroy the person who hit her? What if she has kids, family, etc? When we, as individuals, weigh the risks of any action, shouldn’t it also be our responsibility to look beyond ourselves?
A altered chords May 1, 2008
Sassy: This statement is false “Non smokers and people you want to snog might think you’re gross”
At least for women. When I was single I never had trouble looking past an attractive lady’s smoking habit. Kissing was not like liking an ashtray either.
Re: cancer however. It’s real. It hurts and it kills.
The law should not prohibit tobacco use. Neither should the much talked about “national healthcare” pay for the healthcare of a person whose risky practice put them in the hospital.
E Erik S May 1, 2008
@3 – Whoopsie! I don’t recommend that, though of course I believe it should be allowed. At least try to stay on dirt paths or something.
@5 – There has to be some balance, I agree. But society/government should not be preventing people from being selfish in this way. You want to tell someone their acts are selfish? Go ahead. Then let them do it if they still want to. You are free do act differently. Remember: no one has a magical right to prevent others from offending their sensibilities.
@6 – Aye, that’s fair enough, although we have to be careful about where the line is drawn with this sort of thing. Motorcycling is dangerous. So is rock climbing. And, in some cases, sex. In any case, I imagine that some form of private, limited-coverage supplemental insurance would be offered – to those that can afford it. For smoking/motorcycling, I mean. Not sure about the sex insurance.
S Steven May 1, 2008
As long as we are all serious, the problems arise not so much from the personal collateral damage, but when you cost me money. When Heather is taken to the ER, they have to treat her. If she can’t pay who does? In the end, everyone else. So, unless we are all willing to step over folks in a coma that TG puts out on the sidewalk, we should have some say in what folks do (put on your seatbelt, wear a helmet). To a certain extent, your freedoms end at my wallet.
btw, as someone who has taken advantage of the saving power of bicycle helmets on more than one occasion, you really should wear one.
Steven
S subterranean May 1, 2008
Good point Erik… in the spirit of disclosure, I love a good cigarette, but damn it pains my moral sensibility, until I suck in that first long taste… btw… what does sassy smoke?
A altered chords May 1, 2008
So if national healthcare pays for everything except problems caused by risky choices – it will be pretty cheap and won’t really affect anyone’s wallet.
Here’s a list of risky behaviors:
Smoking
Drinking alcohol (good beer, good wine, single malt scotch excluded from the risky category)
riding motorcyles, bikes.
rock climbing (rock walls under 2 ft high excluded from the risky category)
sex outside of wedlock.
shaking hands
eating potato chips
eating candy
usage of: meth, crack, heroin.
walking across streets.
That’s it for now.
H Heather May 1, 2008
Wow! I just wanted to make a point and now I’m in a coma on the sidewalk in front of TG with people stepping over me. Thanks, ya’ll! ;)
D Davest May 2, 2008
So a number of European countries have socialized medicine, smoke everywhere, ride scooters on wet cobblestones without helmets and have sex with rock climbers and we don’t hear about their societies crashing to the ground. Could it be they have worked out a better balance between personal responsibility and caring for each other? ( I hear that personal liability lawsuits are much harder to get through the courts)
I say wear a helmet or not, smoke or not, if it’s truly bad for the human race, the Darwinian ramifications will eventually make it go away.
M Mofo from the Hood May 2, 2008
Erik S @7: “Remember: no one has a magical right to prevent others from offending their sensibilities.”
People do what they want. I agree that you can’t PREVENT others from offending…sensibilities.
I’m not smoke-a-phobic, but I understand that smoking is a dangerous habit that ruins lives. Telling someone the dangers of smoking is a helpful act, even if that someone were to respond by yelling “Stop the Hate!”
History is full of people with specific agendas to pass laws that would allow prosecution of those who just SPEAK WORDS that are subjectively offensive.
Is there an appropriated word for someone who is a smoker? I mean the word smoker is just kind of specific.
M Mofo from the Hood May 2, 2008
Oh, by the way, did you see my use of the word “smoke-a-phobic?”
People that smoke don’t have a problem.
It’s the people who don’t smoke that have the REAL problem.
D Davest May 2, 2008
I was going to comment that some non-smokers are quite allergic to cigarette smoke and therefore do actually have a problem but it seemed a bit whiney and I didn’t want to ruin the vibe of this conversation.
R Resortdude May 2, 2008
Mofo, I guess the only problem the smoker has, other than stinky clothes, is that they will most likely die from it.
Full disclosure: I smoked many things in my life. Not being judgemental.
Hard for me to be funny on this one…. Seen too many people die. But I must admit Sassy did a great job!
R Robin May 2, 2008
Gaylethesnail @2:
“ Next time you see a homeless person who smokes, take a good look, cuz you’ll be looking like twins.”
WTF?! While none of us has ever caught a glimpse of the elusive Sassy in person, I am CERTAIN, unequivocally and indubitably that she in no way resembles a homeless person. As IF!!!
R Robin May 2, 2008
attention all who smoke:
I was in Portland last month and noticed that people were smoking in bars.
This may be the holy grail for all of you who imbibe.
M Mofo from the Hood May 2, 2008
Smoking Hottie:
I don’t think David Sedaris was joking. I think he was speaking morally consistent, with regards to his lifestyle choices.
The issue centers on education. Maybe the country should follow the lead of David Sedaris. Or maybe the country should ban home schooling like the State of California—-Start indoctrinating the kiddies in public schools at kindergarten level that it’s okay if Neil and his partner Bob smoke as much as they want: Personal freedom supercedes moral absolutes and common sense.
O OC Housewife May 2, 2008
Mofo,
I’m so glad you brought up education. Before I read your post I was just contemplating that we may consider ourselves fortunate if the children of today are merely smoking cigarettes and not other fairly accessible substances by the time they are finished with their public schooling experience. It has become such a rat race. Many children at least in the elementary schools are constantly tested or being drilled to prepare for tests and given so much homework even in Kindergarten that they don’t even have time to play outside when they get home from school anymore. Then parents are criticized for not getting their kids out for more fresh air and exercise.
Sorry for getting off the topic a little, Sassy. Have you thought of a title for your book yet?
O OC Housewife May 2, 2008
I got so worked up I forgot to make my point. I think if kids are pushed too much too soon in academics and not allowed to have a well balanced childhood experience, they may be more likely to turn to smoking or other things for some relief.
I’m so pathetic for posting twice in a row, but I’m a little OCD about clarity.
J Jimmy the smoker May 2, 2008
I really enjoyed your article Sassy.
The real point is: How many people lost there jobs because of this “no smoking ban”? Business’s lost revenue and couldn’t recover. Did any of you selfish healthy non smokers think about the families that were impacted by your decision. Nope… Only that you can now go to the unhealthy tavern and have fried food, pizza, and beer and not smell the smoke. How many cigarette butts are on Tacoma’s streets now, instead of the trash??
S southsounder May 3, 2008
no one should be listening to some one who claims that smoking will drain the finances like coke.
I ask… when was the last time you saw someone pawn their microwave for a pack of smokes?
A altered chords May 5, 2008
True Southsounder. Everyone’s pawning their microwaves for a few gallons of gasoline nowdays.
S Steven May 5, 2008
Heather @ 11
Sorry about that!
Keep the rubber side down.