Exit133

June 9, 2008 · Sassy McButterpants · archive: txp/article

ASK SASSY: The Ex Factor

Dear Sassy,

My husband left me 6 months ago after 10 years of marriage. Now my friend’s daughter is getting married in 2 months and we have both been invited to the wedding. So my question is do I go to the wedding? Especially if he will be there with his new young girlfriend?

Signed,
Not OK Divorcee

Dear NOD,

I’m sorry to hear that you are divorced. The end of a marriage is never easy. That said, I’m going to give you some tough love. According to the National Center for Health Statisics 43% of first marriages end in divorce. This means that unfortunately, you are not alone. I’m not saying that what happened isn’t unfortunate- but it’s not like you’re the first person this has ever happened to.

As someone with a lot of experience in the world of divorces, I’m going to tell you that six months to a year is all you’ve got for whining and feeling sorry for yourself. After that, everyone gets sick of hearing about it and it’s time to go find a 25 year old pool boy with big smile, limited English, and a tight set of buns to inspire you to enlarge your vision for your life!

Back in 1969, a batty swiss psychologist named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross came up with the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance.

About 15 minutes ago, an adorable young Tacoma woman with more life experience than crows feet came up with the Sassy McButterpants “3 Stages of Getting Over It”.

Shock- This is where you can do ANYTHING YOU WANT. When the consequences come, you simply say “I was in shock, my husband of 10 years left me devestated.” Suggested actives for this period are waving guns, throwing things at said spouse, calling his mother, taking money out of the joint account and putting it in an individual account, and threatening to spend his life savings on Louis Vuitton Pet Carriers. Just get it all out here. This is the time. Be creative.

Drunken Self Pity- This is where, in a haze of vodka being poured straight down your throat by your best lady friends, you explain what has happened. Suggested activities would be staying up all night, listening to “Jagged Little Pill” and plotting imaginary maniacal revenge. You might also call and scream at the ex husband, follow any new mistress in your car whilst crying on your cell phone, or simply shut yourself in your room while “All by myself” plays on a loop. I recommend you cap this phase off with a visit to a reputable Licensed Therapist.

Revenge- This is not your old fashioned revenge. This is not going all Titus Andronicus and making a meat pie out of your enemy’s children and feeding it to them for revenge. This is the 21st century stuff. The good stuff. While some may call it a cliché, Sassy is of the opinion that taking care of yourself, feeling good about yourself, and living the life each day that you feel you were born to live is the ultimate revenge.

Whether or not you go to the wedding should have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with whether or not you want to go. As Sassy has mentioned in the past, she is a big fan of wedding receptions and the free food and ever flowing liquor and DJ dance tunes that come along with them.

I say grab your BFF, have backup plans and bail if it’s no fun, (I recommend Ida’s these days for a debauched Saturday Night) and above all stop living your life reacting to what your ex-husband is doing.

Love,

Sassy

Recommended Reading: Le Divorce by Diane Johnson
Recommended Listening: Widow’s Walk by Suzanne Vega

Got issues? Sassy will set you straight! Send a question to <txp:dtj_obfuscated_email email="asksassy@exit133.com" />

Filed under: Ask-Sassy

27 comments

  • rick June 9, 2008

    “…taking care of yourself, feeling good about yourself, and living the life each day that you feel you were born to live is the ultimate revenge.”

    Well done, Sassy. I commend you for guiding NOD toward the ‘high road’. That is thoughtful and appropriate advice.

    However, there remains the risk that NOD finds herself on the dance floor with her BFF dancing to Kool and the Gang, and catches an unfortunate glimpse of her ex, seated in the corner, getting a quasi-lap dance from the new chica. I suspect this could cause an instant regression to the drunken self-pity stage in a VERY PUBLIC SETTING.

    I recommend having the pool boy on her arm, making only a brief appearance at the reception, leaving early, sober and with her dignity in tact.

  • southsounder June 10, 2008

    sassy’s right, NOD should go out and try to find peace and happiness in alcohol, partying, men and self pitty.
    External forces are the only thing that can ever make us happy or heal our emotional wounds. NOD’s ex-husband surely shows that lasting fufilment is found in someone else, so NOD should make it her top priority to find another subject to heap her hopes and dreams on, to make responsible for bad days, worries and her failures, someone to control and be controlled by. And then when the weight of that burden eventualy crushes that special someone and they “break your heart” you can find someone new, or you can be an independent person who doesn’t need affrimation from sassy and who doesn’t fear seeing her ex-husband or what anybody thinks about it. NOD, Remember your life is your’s.It’s about you not your friends, family,ex’s or anybody else. so go to the wedding if you want or don’t, but do it because its what you want not because of what anybody else thinks
    alcohol, pool boys, and distractions dont help but being yourself and not being ashamed of it does help.
    P.S. it took a divorce for me to realize how great it is to be by myself ;-)

  • Mofo from the Hood June 10, 2008

    Yeah. Yeah. For every unattached woman there’s an ex-whatever who’s had enough of her B.S.

  • tom waits June 10, 2008

    all that other mumbo jumbo aside, i think the main question is “do you really want to go to the wedding?”

    the upside of these terrible personal tragedies is that you also can easily get out of those otherwise obligatory social events. so your friend’s daughter is getting married. send a present.

    i wouldn’t risk making it into something more than it is – which is, a day that is all about your friend’s daughter and her partner, not you and your ex. IMHO.

  • Resortdude June 10, 2008

    You go Mofo! The apposite is also true I am sure. There are many men out there who were with women who got tired of their BS. Some guys (and gals) have a hard time realizing a relationship is about compromise. They think they can keep on drinking, farting and not doing crap to feed the relationship.

    Regarding the wedding, go if your friend is a good one and you don’t want to let her down on her daughters big day. Either skip the reception or don’t stay long as sassy says, have plan B.

    If you can’t live with the vision of your X getting the lap dance then skip the reception all together. Why put yourself through that?

  • Mofo from the Hood June 10, 2008

    Bringin’ a date to a wedding reception is like bringin’ a ham sandwich to a banquet.

  • Robin June 10, 2008

    Mofo @6,

    It totally depends, though. Maybe the homemade sandwhich you bring is delicious; with tenderly roasted ham, freshly baked whole wheat bread, ripe tomotato from right off the vine and crispy lettuce, while the “banquet” you’re going to is actually The Old Country Buffet where the potatoes are reconsituted and the meat is actually recycled car tires. True, non?

  • Mofo from the Hood June 11, 2008

    Robin, what kind of wedding receptions do you hang out at? Anyway after a beer or six it’s a free-for-all wherever.

  • southsounder June 11, 2008

    robin your post just caused me to make a sandwich if your not in the advertising buisness you should be

  • Laura Hanan June 11, 2008

    I just left a five-year relationship and realized that I haven’t not been in a relationship since I was 15 years old, which was back when dinos roamed the earth.

    I agree with the earlier comment that it is good to be on your own. I need time to learn more about myself, what I really want in a partner, and how to really care about and accept another person for who they are.

    There are so many things you feel after a failed relationship/marriage – anger, pain, confusion, sadness, relief, more confusion.

    I know one thing – the idea of getting into any kind of relationship, with the cabana boy or otherwise, is exhausting to even consider.

    I do wonder if I will ever want to risk getting close to someone again.

    It seems that once you are in a committed love relationship, especially marriage, that people stop trying and take each other for granted.

    I would rather be alone than have that.

    I won’t risk romantic intimacy again until I believe someone will really cherish me and let me close enough to treat them the same.

  • Squid June 11, 2008

    I am nominating “making a sandwich” as the Official Euphemism of Exit133.

  • RR Anderson June 11, 2008

    I have to go to a wedding this weekend. There are a thousand things I’d rather be doing… viz Finishing the greenhouse, finishing a piece for an artshow, re-painting the American museum of Alaskan entrepreneurship (garage), etc, etc.

    I don’t care that my sister in law is getting married to a huge douche bag. That’s not important.

    I’m going because my suffering is an important testimony to the love I feel toward my wife. I can not escape this burden.

    If you are presented with an easy escape, I suggest taking it.

  • altered chords June 11, 2008

    Laura Hanan – Your words have impacted me in a huge way!

    Thank you for having the courage to write honestly and openly.

  • Robin June 11, 2008

    Southsounder @9,

    No, I’m not in advertising, but I DO make a mean sandwich (wink wink)

  • Robin June 12, 2008

    whatever…go to the wedding…don’t bring a date bring your girlfriend. The one that really likes to raise hell and threatened to rip your ex-hubbies balls off. Then sit close to his table…within earshot…at the reception and keep the drinks coming. He is going to sweat. Wait for his new girlfriend to get up to freshen up in the ladies room and you and your girl conviently join her. You don’t need to start anything, but it will surely spoil his good time,and leave you and your girlfried with a wicked time out.

  • Squid June 12, 2008

    Laura, the only thing worse than breaking up a long-term relationship is staying in one that has gone off.

    Consider yourself lucky.

  • tom waits June 12, 2008

    Squid @ 11:

    what is “making a sandwich” euphemism for? i couldn’t help but notice that Southender @ 9 was discussing making sandwiches by himself, while, of course, perusing Exit 133.

    so i need some clarification. maybe i’ll go ask my mom and dad.

  • altered chords June 12, 2008

    Is there no way to rectify a relationship that has “gone off”?

  • laura Hanan June 12, 2008

    I think that a relationship that has “gone off” can be rectified but it takes commitment, sometimes outside help, and the ability to get outside of yourself long enough to see things from an other’s perspective.

    Unfortunately we live in a disposable culture that is addicted to basking in the glow of the overly-sexualized infatuation phase of a relationship.

    Then when the going gets tough, the tough get going… onto something more exciting, that hopefully requires less work.

  • I'm for Change (for tacoma) June 12, 2008

    I’d say it’s not the tough that get going, but the weak looking for something easier.

  • southsounder June 13, 2008

    well Tom, if don’t know what “making a sandwich” means then i dont think you should be posting here. come back in a couple years when your older and wiser ;-)

  • Resortdude June 14, 2008

    Mofo at #6 – that was FUNNY

    Robin at #15 – remind me to never piss you off! You gotta watch those women who seduce you with nice sandwiches…..their other side can be true evil genius! :>)

    I guess I am just lucky, my Babe rocks. You talk about understanding, last night she endured her 70 year old father and me (let’s just say I am slightly over 40) playing rock band and drinking beer until 1:00 in the morning. You should have seen him belting out Bon Jovi! I wish I took a picture…..

    Tom waits at #17…I am with you…lost on the sandwich comment by southsounder….but then again, maybe it is just he hangover……I need a beer

  • Squid June 15, 2008

    Um, I am pretty sure you can “make a sandwich” all by yourself, or with a friend, or with multiple friends, if that is your gig. I’m sure your mom and dad would be happy to give a full and complete explanation.

    Signed,
    Mr. Ham Sammich

  • OC Housewife June 17, 2008

    I would say skip the wedding altogether, sounds boring. Go shopping, get a massage, or go to a killer deli and get an awesome sandwich.

    All this sandwich talk is making me hungry! Robin, I think you should start having sandwich parties where everyone brings sandwich ingredients and makes delicious sandwiches.

  • altered chords June 18, 2008

    Sandwich parties for divorce survivors. Put me on the list. After 17 yrs and 3 children. I was informed 3 wks ago.

    Ironically, we’re going to a wedding together in late June.

    PS – I make philly cheese steak sandwiches really well.

  • Mofo from the Hood June 19, 2008

    Not OK Divorcee:

    If you do go to that wedding and you see your Ex there with his young girlfriend, restrain yourself with all your might to NOT give him or her a knuckle sandwich.

  • laura Hanan June 19, 2008

    Altered Chords,

    I’m sorry that your relationship is ending after 17 years – that is a very long time and will be a major change for you.