AY: I'm Sorry
Lately I have realized there are two words that seemingly dominate my vocabulary. Well, three I guess depending if you give tally to a contraction as two words or not. Those overused words for me are, “I’m sorry.” A complete sentence no doubt, yet used so frequently that I think I may have forgotten what they mean. This discovery came through a series on conversations with a dear friend in which each of us kept apologizing mid-conversation for things that really didn’t need an apology. I joked that perhaps we should give up saying, “I am sorry” for Lent. Yes, it was a joke. But I decided to take it seriously a couple of days later.
There are many things I should be sorry for that I have never apologized for. Like to Tiffany Reichenberg whom I tripped because I had a crush on her in the 3rd grade. I know, weird way to show a girl one’s affection. I still have a hard time figuring out how to do that, but at least I don’t trip them anymore. Anyway, she sliced up her knee on the blacktop pretty bad, but I never said sorry. I can think of many other things, much more significant, that I could apologize to my parents for and even to close friends whom I have hurt dearly. There are even things that I suppose I need to apologize to myself for. Despite even knowing it, I often cannot bring myself to say sorry. I am able, with quite the amount of ease though, say I am sorry because of the most menial of things. Why is that?
Lent, for me, is a time for personal reflection and repentance as I approach, in contemplation, the journey that Christ took to the cross. It is a time to remember the pain and injustice I have caused in my life and life of others. It is a time for me to remember why I say sorry — why that phrase should mean something more to me than it so often does. It is also a time for me to forgive.
This year’s journey through Lent has lead me to contemplate the Church’s role in my life. Over the course of time I have found in many ways how church and organized religion has hurt me. What is even more evident though, is how the church has hurt those around me. The questions and doubts have flooded my mind as I ask the question, “Why do I cling to a faith that has hurt me and the people in my community that I care so much about?” Perhaps it is that I know deep down this isn’t what Christ really journeyed to the cross for — that there is more. I may not find an answer anytime soon but, I know that for so many reasons I feel the need to apologize. I need to apologize to myself for succumbing to manipulation and to those who I potentially tripped and caused to fall through my own blind faith.
All I can say is, “I’m sorry.” Oddly enough the only two words that I can say to you all (those reading this and those who may never) is this phrase that is losing its meaning as I profusely use it to convey my own shortcomings. My hope is that I can learn to say sorry in more eloquent and meaningful ways. Partially, what creates this loss of words for me is the fact that more beautiful words have already been spoken by some friends at Beautiful Angle. The text from their poster “Repent” sums up in part the words that I will continue to search for:
Jesus tells us those who mourn are blessed, but we wear
bumper stickers instead of ashes. Jesus
tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves,
but we lock our doors & never learn their
names. Jesus tells us to live as part of one body, but
each church steals body parts from others. Jesus tells
us the meek will inherit the Earth, but we give
our hearts to the mighty among us. Jesus
tells us never to judge, never to judge, but we
judge others by the people they kiss. Jesus
tells us to love the least, the last, but
we value the rich more than the poor,
the hip & beautiful more than the stilted &
stuttering, the athletic more than the
awkward, the American more than the
foreigner. Jesus tells us to repent.
We tell others to repent without
begging forgiveness from all
the people we’ve wronged. O Tacoma,
we The Church ask you to forgive us.
We have wronged you. We have failed
you. We have misrepresented
the very God we serve.
Please, please allow us
to try again.
Filed under: Adam-Ydstie, General
4 comments
S Sandy April 11, 2009
The authentic gift of repentance only comes from one source; it is no small matter to receive the real thing. I believe that expressing that repentance gift to the one offended would never extended in a glib or less than sincere spirit unless one gifted has not truly embraced it to o begin with.
Thank you for posting “Repent”, and boldly taking an opportunity to say “I’m sorry”.
A altered Chords April 14, 2009
“I am sorry” – good. Let’s the listerner know your feelings. But its about you.
“Will you forgive me” – much better. Elicits a response. Enable the listener to forgive you while you are right there. The listeners forgiveness is healing to the listener. It is now about both of you.
S Sandy April 15, 2009
You’re right, Altered C’s—“Will you forgive me?” is the vital next step. I did not address that element as that heads into the uncontrolled territory of the listener’s response, and sometimes they are unable to, or just flat out refuse to extend grace. Then the “repentee” is left to decide if they will be able to let themselves off the rack, remove the bamboo shoots, and seek the primary Grace Source. But upon those occasions that the forgiveness is extended, both parties benefit.(and I believe the benefits go beyond just the two as well…)
A altered Chords April 15, 2009
Check out Real Life Family Center in Spanaway, WA.
Pastor H.R. Huntsman just finished a series called “Forgiveness, the real F word”. 7 X 70 seems to me to be the number of times I need to mentally forgive someone in order for it to really happen and for me to heal.