Comments on the Spiders in My Life
Spiders have invaded the Northwest this year. Orb-weavers, I’m told. You know this as well as I do. These spiders are not of polite dimensions. In fact, they’re big enough that you can actually count their legs from half a block away. I’ve heard their presence has something to do with a cyclical insect population phenomenon. Hogwash. Clearly, since vampires did so well in the past two fiscal years, spiders seem to think they can cash in on the bloodsucker hysteria. If arachnids can hitch on to this fad, perhaps sad teenagers will soon be writing poetry about their desire for four more limbs. Who knows? And what better place to stage their ascendance to the pop culture throne than the setting for the Twilight fiction series? A shrewd move, if you ask me.
But these spiders might be hobbled by their delusional egotism. In my experiences with them, they are constantly overreaching and prideful little creatures. Every morning, as the sun rises later and later, I walk to my car in increasing darkness. By the time I am seated in my car listening to Future Tense, I am wiping web (spun from an insect’s rear-end, thank you very much) out of my beard, as if the ugly little thing had any chance at all of entrapping me. I work out at a gym, for crying out loud! I bust through these puny little webs like they’re made of dry twigs. Clearly, these spiders are not doing their homework. Casual observation of my biceps and quads indicates that a silk trapping device will merely slow me down. My message to the spiders is this:
- Slow down.
- Focus on quality, not quantity.
- Improve your Research and Development processes.
- Check out my biceps.
What these spiders lack in efficacy, they make up for with persistence. My above-average strength might obliterate their installations between the flower garden and the car every morning, but they don’t let that get them down. They spend all day rebuilding it, probably muttering my name under their breath between eight letter words. As a result, I’ve had to adapt my behavior. Rather than walking through my front yard casually, I wave my man-purse in front of me as I go. This helps to keep most of the webs off my face. Normally, such an odd, halting combat dance with no visible foe would be perceived as a bit insane; but when my neighbors observe me leaving for work, I can see the admiration in their eyes. They wish they had the same anti-web fortitude that I possess [editor’s note: Even though it is very dark at 6:30am, scientists have proven that admiration can be seen in eyes as far away as 40 feet].
I did a little bit of research on the orb weaving spiders (i.e.: not very much research). Apparently they are harmless. Even so, one pest-centered website pointed out that walking through webs can result in spiders on your face. And spiders on your face can result in heart attacks. So, the fear inspired by these gruesomely juicy creatures does pose a certain amount of danger. Keep them off your face. Wave your purse or man-purse in front of you when proceeding through potential spider habitats. Go to the gym to get muscles.
I am always looking for ways to keep these unattractive vermin at bay. Do any readers have suggestions on how to keep spiders from loitering in my yard? Shall I try blasting Mozart through outdoor speakers? What are your experiences with our eight-legged visitors? Has anyone found any practical use for them? Can they be domesticated?
Filed under: General
14 comments
T Tonya Johnson October 15, 2010
Although orb-weavers can be an annoyance outside — I am terrified by all the hobo spiders I’m seeing IN my home. Some of them look like they could take on a small animal. I’m praying for a deep-freeze this winter!
M monstergirlee October 15, 2010
Orb Weavers are really pretty easy to deal with. I’ve recently overcome my very serious phobia by photographing them every chance I get. They’re quite photogenic.
Now, hobo spiders in my house still literally make me run screaming. But the orb weavers are slow and quiet in their movements.
M Mike Figueroa October 15, 2010
Having just moved from a region too hot for apparent spiders & their prey, I was shocked – shocked I tell you – at the gutsy way they just lackadaisically string themselves up in every eave, window sill, car door.
They need to seriously check out my biceps. Thanks for the identification guide – I’m still learning which types of leggy baddies have biceps that I need to be aware of.
Mike Fig
F frazzlebee October 15, 2010
I would suggest adopting a small, runtish pig to test the friendliness and intelligence level of the spider. If words start appearing in the webs (which are always visible in the wee morning hours), this means that your spiders are intelligent and that there might be a possibility of reasoning with them.
However, if no words appear on your spider webs, you are dealing with troubled spiders. In this case, your only options are to either a) hire a no-nonsense spider teacher who will ultimately earn the respect of the troublesome spiders and give them a new-found look on life… or b) adopt a flock of yellow-bellied sap suckers (who love feasting on arachnid abdomens).
Good luck!
S SPYDER October 15, 2010
YOUR BLOG HAS GONE TO SH!T!!!
I used to enjoy reading it daily now it is not even subpar.
Y You're Welcome October 15, 2010
They’re more likely to be Wolf Spiders. Way more common and look just like Hobo’s.
J Jim C October 15, 2010
I’ve been staring at a 15+ foot tall web on my back patio all morning as I work – one enterprising fellow spun it from the top of a tree to the ground. There are about a hundred of them in my back yard. I’ve been keeping a small propane torch by my back door to clear a path from the door to my grill – who needs biceps when you have opposable thumbs?
O offbroadway October 15, 2010
Gary Wright sang about them. I think.
S Spider Man October 15, 2010
For one of those nights when there is nothing on the tube but a re-run of a City Council meeting, I suggest catching one and placing it in a large glass jar with a wide mouth.
Take the wire mesh you have fabricated before hand and place it over the top. Continue to collect spiders and place them in the jar. Watch them fight and feed on eachother. In a few days, you will have the biggest, meanest, toughest spider you have ever seen.
P PointDexter October 16, 2010
Spray.them.with.Windex.
O okay with the mall October 17, 2010
In response to post #9 – the basement of my parent’s house is a favorite place for spiders to hang out. My sisters didn’t like to try and smash the spiders against the wall, because they might just fall down and be okay and then you’d have a really angry injured spider gunning for you. So instead, they trapped the spiders in glasses instead – and left them there. They didn’t take them outside, like nice animal-lovers. No, they left them in the glasses to asphyxiate/starve to death. Horrific.
J JJ October 18, 2010
I’ve had several tarantula’s as pets.
They are quite easy to care for and live for about a decade.The world’s record for the longest living tarantula is 49 years.
Spiders are quite useful for eliminating other insects.
Without them most of our food sources wouldn’t exist as uncontrolled insects would devastate crops.
P PointDexter October 18, 2010
Spiders.bite.people.for.no.reason.
Buy.an.aerosol.can.of.3M.spray.glue.and.use.it.
Z Zintradi October 18, 2010
So, i’ve had luck with ortho home defense granules. They come in a handy shaker so you spread the around your foundation and follow up with a hose and water them into the soil.
When I did this a few days ago the spiders were flying out of the ground as I was sprying and crawling up the foundation wall where I was waiting with a can of spider spray… between those and the ones I killed that were infesting my front porch (including the fat pregnant one) I must have gotten about 2 dozen spiders. This was recorded in their history as the ‘archnopocalypse’