Sassy McButterpants Guide to Surviving the Holidays
First, Sassy must admit this article was due two weeks ago. There are a variety of reasons for the delay, most of which involve a dexterous Swedish Exchange Student and a lot of Glögg.
Some of you have taken the time to send in emails detailing a variety of horrors and challenges that face you as you navigate the rough waters of Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/ and New Years Eve. Thank you for sharing your pain so that we all can learn.
Scenario 1: I want to spend Christmas with my friends because I love them and always hate listening to my over religious family preach and getting stuck doing the dishes.
Boy does Sassy feel your pain. Unfortunately, spending time with those who contributed to our growth (in good ways and bad) is important. As annoying as it is to sit down to Christmas Dinner and find yourself having to (once again) defend the existence of Global Warming and dismiss the existence of a liberal media elite – sometimes ones family is there purely to remind us of our roots and take a bit of the piss out of us.
Sassy’s strategy is make a beeline for the bar around 6pm and meet up with her peeps and sing some desperately sad karaoke, (think “Bohemian Rhapsody”) Yes, my friends, plenty of fine drinking establishments are open on Christmas Night. And thank god.
Scenario 2: Uncle Roger drinks waaaaaay too much between the turkey/ ham course and the pie course and starts telling embarrassing stories about how he never loved my Aunt May, starts patting my bottom, etc.
Tragically, you have only 2 options:
- You can play the hero and throw yourself under the bus- diverting attention from Uncle Roger by being an even sloppier drunk, making an even larger ass of yourself, thereby sparing poor Aunt May the indignity of Uncle Roger’s Drunken Horses Assedness.
- Ignore Ignore Ignore. Chances are this is what your extended family has been doing for decades anyways. Firmly remove Uncle Rogers palm from your buttock and change the topic of conversation to something distracting- like Britney Spears’ new music video.
Truly, when one is in doubt of the right course of action to take, knocking back a cocktail is often the best course of action. Here are a few Tacoma Themed drinks to get you through the rough patches 253-Style:
Tacoma Screw-Driver
Orange juice, vodka, and triple sec. A little extra “screw” based on the company.
The Hill Top
Gin and juice – It used to be kind of gansta…but now that the gays appropriated it, it’s fun and a great think to chug before heading to the SilverStone.
The Tollefson Plaza
Wild turkey and milk (it’s kind of gray): Cause it seems like a good idea when you’re mixing it, but after that it looks gross, tastes worse, and never gets used.
Good luck surviving the holidays, my lovelies, see you next year.
Love,
Sassy
Recommended Reading: Bridget Jones’ Diary – Helen Fielding
Recommended Listening: Last Christmas – Wham
Filed under: Ask-Sassy, General
6 comments
S Squared December 26, 2008
What’s glögg? If there’s a festive Scandinavian beverage out there that will dull my Christmas woes I wanna know about it.
M MattonGrant December 27, 2008
I heard about Glögg for the first time at work on Christmas Eve at the gift exchange and then for the 2nd time later the same day when I read Sassy’s post. Whoa talk about synchronicity.
It’s a Swedish drink. Spicy mulled wine with cloves and maybe cinnamon? Delicious. Drink it warm.
For another Christmas drink try a Beton; Becherovka & tonic. Becherovka is delicious “Czech Medicine”.
In English, Beton = Concrete. Have a few and you’ll understand.
Though not necessarily a Christmas drink, the first time my wife tasted it (in August) she said: “This tastes like Christmas!”
Happy Holidays Tacoma!
R ResortDude December 28, 2008
Merry Christmas Sassy,
The Nation has been basking in a lot of global warming this year…I would save that argument for a year when the planets natural cycles are more in your favor.
http://www.junkscience.com/Greenhouse/
LIBERAL ELITE MEDIA…undefendable and luckily they are all going out of business anyway.
Let’s throw in the Bible as a throwback document that needs modern interpretation and the Constitution as a living document and Judges legislating from the bench…against the will of the people by the way and you have some more stimulating dinner conversation to stir the $##@$.
Having never met you Sassy I am not sure of your age but one thing your readers have to keep in mind is people don’t understand this stuff until they reach at least 40. It is biology, the brain simply hasn’t developed.
Some recommend Listening:
Back When I Knew it All – Montgomery Gentry
Proud of the House We Have Built – Brooks and Dunn…..more than sticks and bricks and takes a lot of work.
Believe – Brooks and Dunn. Just a reminder why most of us call it Christmas.
Then, since I have mellowed in my age, finish it off with a favorite of my father in Law.
We Just Disagree – Dave Mason.
Have a safe New Year Sassy, all your peeps and your adoring fans world wide.
ResortDude
M Mofo from the Hood December 28, 2008
I second ResortDude’s comment’s.
And for your listening enjoyment I will add to the music list “Operation Spirit” by Live.
S Steven December 30, 2008
For a Scandinavian beverage to dull the senses, Aquavit is the bomb! Buy the Linie brand. Cheap Aquavit is very nasty. Many will tell you the same about the good stuff, but what do they know!
Skoal.
Steven
M Matt December 30, 2008
Ooo… Aquavit.
Greenland, Summer of 1991. Many brain cells were sacrificed.
Ooo… Aquavit.