Tacoma Council Chains Themselves To Murray Morgan Bridge!

A public outcry to save the Murray Morgan Bridge turned into a fierce battle yesterday. The bridge was closed by the State Tuesday due to safety concerns.

The outcry against the State was taken up to Tacoma’s elected leaders. “First we fought them in meetings, then we fought them in the press,” said an enraged Mayor Bill Baarsma. “Now we’re taking our fight to the streets.”

Following the lead of the Mayor, the entire City Council marched onto the bridge and chained themselves to the heavy steel frame.

“If this bridge is unsafe, then I move that we, the Tacoma City Council, force the Department of Transportation to act by endangering our own lives to save this bridge,” declared Julie Anderson.

“I second!” shouted Mike Lonergan from the other side of the bridge.

After the impromptu vote passed unanimously, Bill Evans said, “Even though I’m leaving the Council in just a few months, we needed to show the entire Council’s support … that there are no ‘weak links,’ so to speak.” He held up his chains to emphasize the point.

That said, one councilmember (who shall remain anonymous) showed Exit133 a set of trick handcuffs they had used to lock themselves to the bridge, muttering, “I like the bridge and all, but if this thing starts rumbling I’m running for land and no one can stop me. Man … I knew things were bad when I saw the Mayor this morning. Whenever he puts on his face paint I know I’m going to end up doing something crazy.”

The Council of 9, led by William Wallace Baarsma soon found they had friends. Candidates Marilyn Strickland, David Curry, and Lauren Walker all chained themselves to the bridge to show their support for the iconic structure. They were soon joined by owners of businesses in the tideflats that had lost business after the closure.

The span really got packed when the entire Tacoma chapter of the International Longshore and Warehouse Union swarmed the bridge, chanting “If Mount Rainier Blows Its Spout / We Need An Exit Route!”

By the late afternoon, 3,800 people had chained themselves to the bridge. Secretary of Transportation Paula Hammond pleaded with the mob through a megaphone, “Please disperse! This bridge has only been tested to hold 2,500 protesters!” (We noted at this point a certain councilmember making a hasty exit toward the Port.)

Calling after the fleeing member and facing the suddenly nervous crowd, Mayor Baarmsa rose to his feet and cried, “Aye! Stay on this bridge, and you may die. Run, and you’ll live … at least for a while. But dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR BRIDGE!”

And so it was, in the Year of our Lord 2007, patriots of Tacoma charged against their enemies. They fought like warrior poets; they fought like Scotsmen, and won their bridge.

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true … Although sometimes we like our version better.